a day in the life or rather death of a csi
by dr-kate
Summary: a day in the life (or should it be death?) of a csi... extremely random parody yet again!


Disclaimer: don't own anything.. blah blah blah....

Note: couldn't finish the story so the ending is pretty sucky... sorry...

Summary: another very odd and random parody by me. this one was written when we were having career lectures at school... i got bored.

A day in the life of a csi:miami crime team

One day, there was a walrus that was walking down the street. It was shot dead by some Anti- Walrus supporters so the CSI:Miami team investigate the death of the walrus. 

"Looks like a 9mm" Calleigh said as Alexx handed her the bullet that had been extracted from the walrus's head. "Nasty"

"Calleigh, Eric, analyse the bullet" Horatio gave his orders.

"But Horatio, I can analyse a bullet by myself!" Calleigh complained. "I AM Bullet Girl after all."

"Yes, but you and Eric need to... erm.., get closer... THE AUTHOR MADE ME SAY IT!.... damn her, she's all powerful" H said, sobbing hysterically.

"Ohh... right! Gotcha!" Eric said while checking Calleigh out. "How ya doing?" He winked at her.

"Better now that you're here!" She flirted. Eric laughed and pinched her butt.

"Eww, could you get any more sickening?" Speed said disgustedly as he magically appeared on the scene as he usually does.

"Yeah... gross!" Yelina added as, she too, magically appeared on the scene.

"Hehe... knob!" Horatio said randomly. He spotted someone who was walking past the crime scene and pulled out his gun yelling "FREEZE! ON THE GROUND... NOW!"

"Err, H... what are you doing?" Speed asked suspiciously.

"Derrrr... this is the person who shot the walrus!" He pointed to the freaked out person on the floor.

"He's right you know" Calleigh said knowledgably. "Horatio knows everything!" They took the person to the jail and went back to the lab.

"Hey Speed" Calleigh said when she found him the break room eating Eric's pie.

"I like pie" Speed said with his mouth full.

"It shows" Calleigh said sarcastically while grabbing a fork and joining Speed as they both ate Eric's pie.

Just as they were on their last mouthful, Eric walked in with a cup of coffee in hand. The cup smashed to the ground as Eric spluttered "You... you... you ate my pie?"

Calleigh and Speed looked up from the empty plate and then looked at each other. "Whoops... sorry" Speed said while smiling sheepishly. "CALLEIGH MADE ME DO IT!" he suddenly yelled while pointing dramatically at Calleigh.

"I... I... I never!" Calleigh replied, clearly shocked at Speed's accusation.

"Yes you did! She held me at gunpoint and made me eat it!" Speed said, trying to cover his terrible doings.

"And why should I believe you?" Eric asked the nervous and shifty eyed Speed. "I believe Calleigh, after all, we're getting married... tomorrow"

"We are?" Calleigh asked, shocked.

"Ohh yeah...I knew I'd forgotten to do something!" Eric said as he realized he'd organized the wedding but had forgotten to propose to Calleigh. "Calleigh Duquesne, will you marry me?" he said as he kneeled down and took out a ring.

"Oh Eric, I love you... but..." She stuttered and then finally burst out "I can't because I'm having an intimate affair with Horatio's sunglasses!" She was so relieved to get that off her chest.

"YOU WHAT?!?!" Speed yelled. "I thought you said you'd be mine forever!"

"Shut up Tim!" Calleigh tried quieted Tim.

"I don't believe you two... you... you... PIE STEALERS!!!!!!!" Eric said disgustedly. He left the two alone in the break room.

"What have I done?" Calleigh asked herself.

"I dunno... lets go make out!" Speed said enthusiastically.

"Okay, ballistics or trace lab?" She asked simply.

"How about both?" he replied as the two left for the ballistics lab first.

Meanwhile in Horatio's office...

"Horatio, I just don't know how to tell you this but... THOSE GLASSES LOOK SOOOO BAD ON YOU!" the dead body told him. "I know you're trying to get the whole 'Matrix' thing going, but.."

"NOOOO! TAKE THAT BACK! TAKE IT BACK!!!" he sobbed.

"It's true you know!" Yelina said as she magically appeared in Horatio's office.

"How did you just...?" Horatio said but was interrupted by Yelina.

"It's my job to magically appear at crime scenes, remember? Oh God Horatio, you are such a stupid corny old man... cant you remember anything?" She said harshly.

The dead body saw the awkward situation about to arise so he decided to leave. "Erm, I've got places to be... you know.... People to erm... meet." He ran out of the door only to be greeted by Alexx.

"Where have ya been, sugar?" She asked and then noticed the ghostly white complexion of the corpse and said "Who did this to ya, sweetheart?" The two left together holding hands as Alexx told the dead body how many autopsies she'd done and how many hands she had to microwave that day.

Meanwhile, in the locker rooms...

Eric was crying in the locker room when he suddenly yelled out 'Why did she do this? Am I not manly enough for her?' just as he said that, his white fluffy teddy bear called Mr Teddles tumbled out of his locker. "Ahh Mr Teddles, at least you're my friend!" he said as he lovingly stroked its worn out head. He loved the teddy bear, possibly even more then he had ever loved anything else, apart from Calleigh of course. He put the teddy bear back in its bed that he had made in his locker and shut his locker door. Although Calleigh had been unfaithful to him, he still loved her dearly so he decided to win her back. But first he had to find her!

He made his way to the ballistics lab but stopped when her heard Calleigh screaming 'Oh yes, harder Tim, HARDER!'. Eventually the screaming stopped and Calleigh and Tim exited the lab looking rather ruffled and flushed.

"Eric, what are you doing out here?" Calleigh asked, surprised to see her ex boyfriend.

"More importantly, what were you doing in there?" He asked, he was angry at her now, he would show her what a manly man he was!

"Eric, is that a daisy chain on your head?" Speed said, gesturing to his colleagues head.

Eric snatched the daisy chain off his head and threw it on the floor "I knew I'd forgotten to do something after I'd done my ritual fairy dance" he mumbled to himself.

"Right... anyway, Eric, I want you to be the first person to know" Calleigh started, "Tim and I are getting married!"

"Say what now?" Eric said as he nearly fell over.

"Yup, we've confessed our undying love for each other" Tim added.

Eric really did fall over this time and accidentally crushed Horatio's sunglasses that were randomly on the floor. "Whoops" Eric said as he picked the shattered sunglasses of the floor. "My bad."

"Oh no! Horatio's gonna kill you!" Calleigh said.

"Gee, err, Calleigh, that isn't exactly making me feel better." Eric said as he picked a shard of glass out of his bum cheek.

Just then, Horatio came walking down the corridor, trying to find his sunglasses. "Ahh, Eric, good, you found my sunglass...... What the?" He said as he noticed their crushed state. "Who did this?" He said, his temper was boiling.

"Erm, it was... er... IT WAS YELINA!" Eric said as he spotted Yelina walking down the corridor.

"What, what did I do?" a confused Yelina asked.

"YOU... YOU... YOU KILLED MY PRECIOUS SUNGLASSES!" Horatio said as he handcuffed Yelina.

"What? I didn't even touch your sunglasses!" Yelina said as she tried to struggle out of the handcuffs.

"Stop telling lies! You've had it in for my sunglasses since day one. You even said so today!" Horatio interrogated Yelina.

"Fine, I admit it!" Yelina said as she let Horatio take her away to the prison.

"Ahh, thank God for that!" Eric said as he turned back to face Calleigh and Speed but found that they weren't there. That's when he heard Calleigh screaming in pleasure again. "Eww!" Eric said as he shuddered involuntarily as he ran away.

Meanwhile, in the morgue...

"...and then I put the microwave on for 30 seconds on high and then, the hand slowly started to open..." Alexx said as explained to the dead body what had happened when she micro-waved a hand.

"Wow! Can I see you micro-waving my hand?" The dead body asked.

"Sure, just hold out you're arm and I'll get the saw!" She said enthusiastically. She came back and sawed of his hand and put it in the microwave. "Oooo, look, its opening!" She exclaimed as she watched the hand slowly open up.

"Oooo, this is sooo cool!" The dead body exclaimed.

"I know it is sugar" Alexx said knowledgably as she took the hand out of the microwave and glued it back on to the dead body. "There we go, all better" She said as she and the dead body walked out of the morgue, hand in hand...

Meanwhile in Horatio's office...

"Don't be so sad, we can always get you another pair of sunglasses." Calleigh said as she tried to comfort the sobbing Horatio.

"But they'll never be the same!" He said dramatically. He then got up and yelled out "I WILL HAVE MY VENGANCE!" and pulled out his gun. (hehe, that sounds suss)

"H, what are you doing?" Speed said as he magically appeared in Horatio's office.

"I've decided that everybody should suffer for my poor sunglasses" He said in an evil cackle. He then shot Speed in the balls and Calleigh in the head. "Mwahahahahaha" he said evily. He then went around the whole lab and killed everyone and then shot himself in the head when he realised that his sunglasses wouldn't have wanted him to go on a killing spree.

THE END...


End file.
